As is often the case, Maria Popova’s Brain Pickings newsletter this week contained essays on the exact themes I have been pondering.
First, there is this essay on the how we get stuck in hurtful relationships, and the question of whether people can change, with two marvelous videos embedded that are both well worth watching (perhaps multiple times). In the second video, Alain de Botton posits the following:
Is it even okay to want someone to change? The implication from those who generate trouble for us is, most often, an indignant, “No!”
“Love me for who I am” is their mantra. But, considered more imaginatively, only a perfect human would ever deny that they might need to grow a little in order to more richly deserve the love of another. For the rest of us, all moderately well-meaning and halfway decent requests for change should be heard with goodwill, and, in certain cases, acted upon with immense seriousness. Those who bristle at the suggestion that they might need to change, are, paradoxically, giving off the clearest evidence that they may be in grave need of inner evolution.
The second essay neatly lays out (a portion of) Hannah Arendt’s argument in favor of forgiveness as fundamental to our humanity. I, of course, will never be in the same league as Arendt intellectually or as a scribe of the human condition, so this is a deadly rejoinder to my essay. Still, if letting go is what you need to do, I offer you blessings and peace, and full permission to ignore the great philosopher in favor of finding your own equilibrium, however it manifests.