Since the world is so very heavy these days, this post is an antidote. Below you will find a collection of quotes from my girls that never fail to make me laugh. They are arranged in chronological order from their toddler years to the present. (This is just a small selection from the records we’ve been keeping of their most wonderful utterances.) Often, the girls will request that I read them their quotes, and it is a fabulous way to fill the day with laughter. I hope you enjoy them as much as we do:
Vee:
“Mama, can you do me a favor?”
“Sure, what do you need?”
“Can you wash the dishes?”
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“Love will make me better. And prunes will make me better too.”
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Michael: “What do doctors do?”
Vee: “They look in our ears...and they put on our Band-aids...and they shake it all about...”
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“Papa, why does your neck have ears and a head?”
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“I need to go to the doctor tomorrow and get medicine because I’m sick.”
“Sick with what?”
“Sick with candy.”
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“How is your throat feeling?”
“It’s still a little crazy in there.”
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In the middle of the night, when sick: “Mommy, will you lie down with me for a little while? And if I throw up again, and some gets on you, you can change your pajamas and we can both go back to sleep.”
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“But Mama, I tried spinach in a restaurant before I was born and didn’t like it!”
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“Mama, what does elderly mean?”
“It means old.”
“Oh. I think a lot of my toys are elderly.”
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Singing: “I want to see the colors of your day…”
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“My stomach hurts and my throat has a problem.”
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“Why did they make bad words if we’re not allowed to use them?”
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“Mama, you look like a teenager.”
“Why?”
”Because you look young. But where was your head when you were a teenager?"
“Huh?”
“Was it where your neck is now?"
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Trying, in her most earnest voice, to express gratitude for the dinner I made: "Mama, you're not just a servant. You're part of the family."
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On a metro train that was going to go into a tunnel: “Mama, when the train goes into the tunnel, do all of the people put their hands up and say ‘Wheeeeee’?”
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Mama: “Look at that beautiful sunset.”
Vee: “I'm not worried about that.”
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On the Fibonacci sequence: “I don’t understand why it’s so important. It’s just a sequence that has to do with everything.”
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“This fort-making thing isn’t really my forté.”
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Vee, in the grocery store: “I’m going to fend off bad guys with this baguette.”
Me: “Yes, if you see a bad guy, whack ‘em with it.”
Vee: “Yes! And they’ll be like, ‘What? I thought the French were our allies!’”
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“Why is it tug-of-war and not war-of-tug?”
Annie:
Singing: “I turn on the water, I wash my hands, and then I freak out.”
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Addressing her cup of seltzer: “Hi spicy! I like you!”
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“Kate grabbed the white blankie from me today. She did it on corpus.”
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“We don’t put yogurt in the eye. We put yogurt in the mouth.”
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“...happily ever disaster”
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"I like Papa, I just don't like his feelings."
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Annie, the Godtoddler, in the bath, playing with dolls: “Baby will sleep with the fishes.”
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“Mama, you're the best. I love you...Don't make me say it again.”
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Mama: “I love you.”
Annie (with a big sigh): “I know that. You say that 100 times.”
Mama: “How does that make you feel?”
Annie: “Sad. I mean happy, but it's so annoying.”
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“I can't believe I'm five! I've waited years for this!”
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“When I grow up I want to be a hypothologist."
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Mama, waxing rhapsodic about a victory over a leaking washing machine: “Mama and Papa are AWESOME!”
Annie: “Not according to my research.”
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“What does doggone mean? I think it means without a dog.”
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Annie: “Potatoes are the best thing in the world.”
Mama: “Better than your family?”
Annie: “No. My family is better...Well...they’re equal. And everything else is a bummer.”
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“Annie, why is there a pull-up wearing sunglasses on the table?”
”Oh, that’s Diaper Dude.”
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“I wake up happy, but I’m face-moody.”
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Annie’s been on the lookout for unusual license plates:
“Is Oklahoma far away?”
“Yes, very.”
“Is Diplomat far away?”
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During a discussion about the racist name of the Washington football team: “If I had a soccer team I would call them the Humpback Donkeys”
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The girls have been listening to Bohemian Rhapsody nonstop, and today Annie burst into the house after school shouting, “Send the moose of lightning/Vee is very frightening!”
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Annie, on Trader Joe’s pizza: “I love this pizza! The little green things on top are like smooth jazz.”
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Annie, getting out of the bath: “I’m a hairy soap spud monster!”
Mama: “Do you know what a spud is?”
Annie: “Yes! A. Tiny. Bit. Of. Life.”
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Before you speak,
Think and be smart.
It’s hard to fix,
A wrinkled heart.
Elise:
“Mama, what's that noise?”
“The ice maker”
[Whispering]: “The ice maker makes me sad.”
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“Mama, can you make me a French fry in my hair?”
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Elise, while taking off her shoes: “Mama, there's sand in your house.”
Mama: “Did you just pour sand out of your shoes?”
Elise: “Um, yeah. There's sand in your house!”
Mama: “Why would you pour sand on the floor?”
Elise: “I don't know.”
Mama: Who is going to clean it up?”
Elise, looking around: “Annie.”
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Elise, covered in orange marker, holding an orange marker, and staring at the orange stripe on the sofa: “Holy moly! I don’t know who did this!”
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“I feel cinnamon.”
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“I love you to Jupiter and Panera”
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Serving us play food at the Port Discovery play diner:
Mama: “This bagel has mold on it. What does the chef have to say about that?”
Elise: “Umm…it’s a bagel?
Mama: “What kind of soup is this?”
Elise: “Chocolate soup.”
Mama: “And the lumps in the soup?”
Elise: “They’re like little bagels. It’s good?”
Mama: “No! It’s appalling!”
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“I’m hicking up”
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Peering into a bowl of rising bread dough: “You want me to spit in it?”
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Elise: “You ate food today?”
Mama: “Yes.”
Elise: “Coconuts?”
Mama: “No.”
Elise: “Gummy bears?”
Mama: “No.”
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Elise: “You don’t lift up someone’s shirt.”
Mama: “That’s right.”
Elise: “Because there might be a baby crying under there.”
Mama: “No. Because it’s rude!”
Elise: “No it’s not.”
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“Maddie isn’t at school. Because she has to move her tonsils.”
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“When I grow up I’m going to be a witch doctor.”
(“A good witch doctor.”)
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Came upstairs to say goodbye to Mama and was asked to go get Annie and Vee. Returned to say: “Annie and Vee aren’t coming up to say goodbye.”
Mama: “Why not?”
Elise (with a grin): “They don’t love you.”
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Elise, snuggling on Mama’s shoulder: “I’m so excited for Christmas!”
Mama: “And Hanukkah too? That’s next week!”
Elise: “Sometimes we call it Hanukkah and sometimes we call it Christmas.”
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Elise: “Mama! You look so fancy! Where are you going?”
Me: “To an event.”
Elise: “Can I come?”
Me: “No.”
Elise: “Why? Because it’s only for moms who are mean?”
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Sang a song at bedtime called “Gentlemen, I love my mommy and daddy.”
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“Mama! I know how to say muhscetti now! I mean, BUH-scetti. It’s PUH-scetti!”
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Elise (saying,”Pop! Pop! Pop!,” which is her noise for childbirth), “gives birth” out of the top of her onesie pajamas to a toy milk carton and an LOL doll, which have apparently been down there for awhile.
Vee: “It’s the grand opening!”
Mama: “Did you just call childbirth ‘the grand opening’??”
Vee: “Yup.”
Mama: “Elise, If you gave birth to an LOL doll, the doctor would have a heart attack. Now put the baby and the milk back in your uterus, and eat your dinner.”
Elise (zipping the toys back into her pajamas): “Ok! Back into the universe!”
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Came home from her Episcopal preschool and was very excited to share what she learned about the Baby Genius...
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Comes home from school.
Mama: “Elise! Where’s your skirt?”
Elise looks down at her shirt and tights.
Elise: “Um...uh oh.”
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Playing with a stuffed dinosaur: “If I ever get married, I’m going to make my husband wear a dinosaur costume at the wedding”
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To Michael, apropos of nothing, while eating dinner: “Dad, are you Jewish or a lesbian?”