Another day, another man explaining to a woman how she can better meet *his* expectations of how she should act, live, be. And, as usual, from an anonymous profile. And, as usual, under the guise of being “helpful”. She does not owe you ANYTHING. She does not owe you kindness or civility or List-Serv messages that meet your parameters. This is her life, her blog. We are tired of this behavior from men. Our lives, actions, words, character, and worth and not for men to evaluate, especially when they are not ASKED, and especially when they hide behind anonymity so that THEY don’t have to undergo the SAME scrutiny that are giving women. Do better. Decenter men.
Thank you, Kory - this is exactly what I wanted to say, but didn’t have the words. I am so freaking sick of men feeling like every time a woman speaks, they just HAVE to share their unsolicited, often idiotic opinions. Because heaven forbid a woman just says something and men listen and absorb the message. (Not all men, of course, but too many.) I don’t even know these two fools, and they don’t know me, but apparently their advice is SO helpful and important they cannot resist sharing it. So sad.
I'm honestly not trying to be nasty but, based on your writings, you seem to relish the role of victim. It's as if you're writing a novel in your head in which you are the ultimate protagonist in a world filled with antagonists. You live in my neighborhood and I have witnessed you being pretty egocentric and lacking empathy when dealing with neighbors on the List-Serv. Again, I'm not trying to be negative but I thought you might benefit from the perspective of how people in the neighborhood view you. You'll probably block me from reading your blog but I just wanted to give some outside perspective because there are as many perspectives to stories as there are people. I think you would truly benefit from attempting to step outside of yourself and considering that everyone has a story.
I have no intention of blocking you! Although I will if you escalate. You have a right to your opinions. I only object to you hiding behind a virtually anonymous user name even though apparently you are a neighbor. You are always welcome to talk to me privately and civilly. Using my Substack as a way to troll me is cowardly. Also, as a pro tip, when you start a comment with, “I’m not trying to be [nasty/misogynistic/abusive/etc.], that is a surefire way to signal that the ensuing comment is going to be exactly that. (Ask any woman, person of color, or LGBTQIA+ person on the internet how they know…) Finally, several thousand people live in our neighborhood. Some are great friends, some get permanently banned from the neighborhood list serve for using what I’ve shared in my Substack to attack me and my children, and many are strangers. That’s the way it goes, living in the world.
Have you ever considered an alternative approach to a scenario like this one?
What was your initial reaction to this comment? Hurt? Anger? Sadness? Regardless of how you felt, why not default to acceptance rather than defensiveness? Your response suggests that any "negative" comment is trolling and then you up the ante by calling the commenter a coward. Okay. That's one approach. But what if you simply said, "You're right. I try. And fail. But I do try. As Beckett wrote: 'Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.'"
And then... and this is the important part, accept the comment at face-value, and ask: Do I relish the role of the victim? At times, am I egocentric and lack empathy?
Don't consider the mountain of evidence suggesting otherwise. Instead, be the prosecutor and be ruthless. Present (to yourself) the strongest case in which this charge is absolutely, unquestionably true.
And then... ask yourself if you have a desire to make the pile of evidence the prosecutor relied upon smaller the next time someone criticizes you similarly. At a minimum, even if you only do the first part, and even if your response is disingenuous, you de-escalate the situation rather than the opposite.
Oooh, Jane! It’s apparently two for one in the mainsplaining aisle today! Yet another man explaining what he thinks you should do, say, and be. They are just so hard to teach. WOMEN. ARE. NOT. HERE. TO. PLEASE. YOU. Do not pretend that your judgemental and privileged mainsplaining is for any woman’s benefit. It is FOR you, and it hurts us, and you will never stop, not even when we tell you to STOP. DECENTER MEN.
This comment is exactly why I wish to remain anonymous. I have seen how you go after people on the List-Serv and I truly don't want the drama. Pro Tip: by lumping yourself in with traditionally marginalized people, you're proving my point.
William, I think there is an unintended (I think) side effect to your using anonymity. I don't live in Jane's neighborhood, but if I did, I would now be uncomfortable walking around my neighborhood, and even a bit scared, knowing that someone was so critical and had spent so much time thinking about me, yet remains hidden. And this feeling of discomfort and worry would not be short term, since presumably you will be in the same neighborhood for the future. If your comment were directed to me, and you had fully identified yourself, it wouldn't feel great, but it wouldn't make me nervous beyond the content of the post and discussion of relevant content.
I acknowledge that you have made absolutely no threat, and I assume you did not intend to leave this impression, but--as a woman--this is how I feel. As an example from my own experience, in college, I once received an anonymous message making some flirtatious comment signed as "I'm in your philosophy class." After that, I was extremely uncomfortable going to class, not know who this was and what their intentions really were. I remember that incident now, after more than 25 years--that's how strong my discomfort was. Maybe it sounds silly, but that's how I feel, and I think other women might feel the same.
Thank you for sharing that, Sharon. It is definitely creepy and scary to know someone in my neighborhood is so obsessed with my life. Especially since I’m a single mom! Good thing I have a large, protective dog. :) (And a pet python.)
"Men, after all, delight in nothing so much as to recast themselves in the center of the story." (Kelly Barnhill)
DUDE - this is her personal blog and you have hijacked it inappropriately - see above.
Pro Tip: Google is your friend for clarifying the purpose of a blog.
Amen, and thank you, Charlotte!
Another day, another man explaining to a woman how she can better meet *his* expectations of how she should act, live, be. And, as usual, from an anonymous profile. And, as usual, under the guise of being “helpful”. She does not owe you ANYTHING. She does not owe you kindness or civility or List-Serv messages that meet your parameters. This is her life, her blog. We are tired of this behavior from men. Our lives, actions, words, character, and worth and not for men to evaluate, especially when they are not ASKED, and especially when they hide behind anonymity so that THEY don’t have to undergo the SAME scrutiny that are giving women. Do better. Decenter men.
Thank you, Kory - this is exactly what I wanted to say, but didn’t have the words. I am so freaking sick of men feeling like every time a woman speaks, they just HAVE to share their unsolicited, often idiotic opinions. Because heaven forbid a woman just says something and men listen and absorb the message. (Not all men, of course, but too many.) I don’t even know these two fools, and they don’t know me, but apparently their advice is SO helpful and important they cannot resist sharing it. So sad.
I'm honestly not trying to be nasty but, based on your writings, you seem to relish the role of victim. It's as if you're writing a novel in your head in which you are the ultimate protagonist in a world filled with antagonists. You live in my neighborhood and I have witnessed you being pretty egocentric and lacking empathy when dealing with neighbors on the List-Serv. Again, I'm not trying to be negative but I thought you might benefit from the perspective of how people in the neighborhood view you. You'll probably block me from reading your blog but I just wanted to give some outside perspective because there are as many perspectives to stories as there are people. I think you would truly benefit from attempting to step outside of yourself and considering that everyone has a story.
I have no intention of blocking you! Although I will if you escalate. You have a right to your opinions. I only object to you hiding behind a virtually anonymous user name even though apparently you are a neighbor. You are always welcome to talk to me privately and civilly. Using my Substack as a way to troll me is cowardly. Also, as a pro tip, when you start a comment with, “I’m not trying to be [nasty/misogynistic/abusive/etc.], that is a surefire way to signal that the ensuing comment is going to be exactly that. (Ask any woman, person of color, or LGBTQIA+ person on the internet how they know…) Finally, several thousand people live in our neighborhood. Some are great friends, some get permanently banned from the neighborhood list serve for using what I’ve shared in my Substack to attack me and my children, and many are strangers. That’s the way it goes, living in the world.
Here's a question:
Have you ever considered an alternative approach to a scenario like this one?
What was your initial reaction to this comment? Hurt? Anger? Sadness? Regardless of how you felt, why not default to acceptance rather than defensiveness? Your response suggests that any "negative" comment is trolling and then you up the ante by calling the commenter a coward. Okay. That's one approach. But what if you simply said, "You're right. I try. And fail. But I do try. As Beckett wrote: 'Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.'"
And then... and this is the important part, accept the comment at face-value, and ask: Do I relish the role of the victim? At times, am I egocentric and lack empathy?
Don't consider the mountain of evidence suggesting otherwise. Instead, be the prosecutor and be ruthless. Present (to yourself) the strongest case in which this charge is absolutely, unquestionably true.
And then... ask yourself if you have a desire to make the pile of evidence the prosecutor relied upon smaller the next time someone criticizes you similarly. At a minimum, even if you only do the first part, and even if your response is disingenuous, you de-escalate the situation rather than the opposite.
Oooh, Jane! It’s apparently two for one in the mainsplaining aisle today! Yet another man explaining what he thinks you should do, say, and be. They are just so hard to teach. WOMEN. ARE. NOT. HERE. TO. PLEASE. YOU. Do not pretend that your judgemental and privileged mainsplaining is for any woman’s benefit. It is FOR you, and it hurts us, and you will never stop, not even when we tell you to STOP. DECENTER MEN.
Kory - I’m gonna grab a dictionary and see which of these clowns has his picture next to the word “mansplain.” Will report back.
This comment is exactly why I wish to remain anonymous. I have seen how you go after people on the List-Serv and I truly don't want the drama. Pro Tip: by lumping yourself in with traditionally marginalized people, you're proving my point.
You don’t want the drama? 😂 I love a drama queen who claims they don’t want drama. That’s all you have brought here.
William, I think there is an unintended (I think) side effect to your using anonymity. I don't live in Jane's neighborhood, but if I did, I would now be uncomfortable walking around my neighborhood, and even a bit scared, knowing that someone was so critical and had spent so much time thinking about me, yet remains hidden. And this feeling of discomfort and worry would not be short term, since presumably you will be in the same neighborhood for the future. If your comment were directed to me, and you had fully identified yourself, it wouldn't feel great, but it wouldn't make me nervous beyond the content of the post and discussion of relevant content.
I acknowledge that you have made absolutely no threat, and I assume you did not intend to leave this impression, but--as a woman--this is how I feel. As an example from my own experience, in college, I once received an anonymous message making some flirtatious comment signed as "I'm in your philosophy class." After that, I was extremely uncomfortable going to class, not know who this was and what their intentions really were. I remember that incident now, after more than 25 years--that's how strong my discomfort was. Maybe it sounds silly, but that's how I feel, and I think other women might feel the same.
I had the same feeling. It reads creepy man behind the blinds, peering out at women and making a list of grievences in a notebook.
Thank you for sharing that, Sharon. It is definitely creepy and scary to know someone in my neighborhood is so obsessed with my life. Especially since I’m a single mom! Good thing I have a large, protective dog. :) (And a pet python.)