Hi Jane, I felt compelled to message you from Australia where I have just finished reading about your journey with Ash. Firstly, thank you for being brave enough to tell your story with such rawness and honesty. I can imagine that could have made you feel very vulnerable.
Secondly, to your daughter Ash. She may not be able to comprehend quite what this article you wrote means in relation to her, but she now has the support, love and understanding from girls just like her across the globe and that people that are wishing for her health and happiness world-wide.
Thirdly, what a strong, loving, kind, capable, determined, educated, warrior you are, Jane. I hope that you are getting the support you need, mentally, emotionally and physically that you need to keep doing what you’re doing for Ash. Lastly, my daughter and I are going through a very similar thing, also. Although you may feel alone or perhaps misunderstood in your journey, I can tell you right now that by telling your story you have created a greater village of support, educated those who lack understanding, and highlighted to many that they are not alone. Thank you so very much for articulating your lives, sharing with us your story and please know if you want a pen pal in Australia, there is one here, ready and waiting.
Thank you so much for reaching out, Kate, and I am so sorry you have traveled this road. You are right that we are not alone. Sending hope and strength your way.
Oh, Jane. Oh, Ash. What a tour de force. I send hugs. So inadequate. But please accept what will be an outpouring of caring and rooting for you all. And keep writing. Please.
Your story of frustration working through the medical maze associated with mental health care is too common, not only in the US but also here in Australia. Both cause and diagnosis are poorly understood. Fifteen years as a community psychiatric nurse covinced me that listening and love are the two essential elements of mental health care. Sometimes medication and protection measures are needed, but these are never a ‘cure’. Medication is useful only as a complement to other measures and protection aggravates the problem if continued long term.
You know your child better than any professional therapist or medical practitioner. Continue to let her experience your love and try to demonstrate to her that in this loveless world that she perceives there are so many hidden gems of selfless and beautiful people. If she has this, you can be confident that your assessment of medical or therapy options is the right one. And you are allowed to change your mind without guilt if your assessment changes.
Congratulations on this piece - you know how beautiful and brave I think it is. And bravo on achieving a long-time publication goal! You are setting a course for your daughters to see & follow.
Jane, thank you for this article, and congratulations on the achievement! I want to share hopefully a piece of optimism with you: I grew up burdened by similar issues to Ash. I'm 40 now, and my mom and I often talk about how hard it was to get help - she and my Dad were both educators too, and it was all so far out reach. They tried, but as you know the obstacles are incredible. There's a lot of things she and I wish they would have done, and known, but, I hold absolutely none of it against them. Her and my Dad's unconditional love and support was enough for me to arrive at adulthood safely, even if there are mountains of regrets on both sides. We're all still broken, bruised, disappointed, and sometimes think about the missed opportunities and mistakes. But because they love me like they do, I know and trust they did the absolute best they could. I still struggle a lot. But the trust we've developed is a HUGE lifeboat for me, on the *worry water.* It sounds like you are that for Ash, and I'm so happy for her that you are, as much as I wish neither of you found yourself navigating this.
I so wish I could be a friend to Ash. If there's a way to let her know she has a friend on worry island, please do. I wish I could hold a flare for her.
Hi Jane, I want to thank you for having the courage to share your journey. I hope it creates more awareness, so we can have a better understanding of these beautiful sensitive children/adult and find support for them in our system.
My sister goes through a similar experience. It started when her daughter was 12 years old (she is 26 years old now).
Alpha Stim....for your daughter. Please look into it. I had no hope once, and it gave me my hope back. It seems absurd and like it could never work, and I hardly believed it, but we tried it with one of my children (and then all of them and us!) It has been FDA approved since the 70s for depression and anxiety among many other things. It is not well talked about because there is not much money to be made by any greedy corporation. It may not be a cure, but it sure changed our lives immensely. It is harmless to try on anyone at any age. You need a prescription for the device from a licensed therapist or doctor and most insurance won't cover it. I recognize that you and your ex husband are well equipped, and do not need random advice from strangers, but I feel for you and your family so much in my heart I could not contain this information, just in case you did not already have it. We have navigated special ed and mental health and addiction programs. They are all a joke. Addiction programs are almost all currently owned by hedge funds because the government is sinking their money into it. I also believe when mental illness was the hype and the government was funding those programs theoretically sufficiently, that the wrong people got their hands into that as well. My adult daughter was diagnosed bipolar as an adult, which was obvious when she was just 8 years old though there can be no diagnosis for bipolar at 8, or so we were told. We weren't as fortunate as your family, we live entirely well below the poverty line, however that made it easier for me to be more available. We battled the best we could and I worked only during school hours and she did manage school, but she also did not share her thoughts with anyone there and just quietly got by. My youngest son is an internalist, which no one believes, and we have to battle that on our own. I am his ONLY safe person and he struggles. My middle child can be aggressive and has very severe adhd. Recently he has become "sad". My youngest is my grand daughter who I have custody of due to her mother's issues, and she is a high and low kid. I always cross my fingers these two kids' issues will not develop into worse ones. I am traumatized myself by the system. It is easy to see how it adds problems. I always wonder if helping people has never been the goal
but keeping them coming back. Recently I have discovered that is the idea with the outpatient suboxone program the way that it is run for addicts right now. It has a high long term failure rate if there is no added intensive therapy to address the trauma that got them there in the first place. They refuse to add more than a meeting or two to the program rather than therapy. This means they will always have patients and income. The system is a wreck, it is broken, it is for profit, and I wish I knew how to change it while also struggling forward with 4 children with different neuro spicy needs. Take care.
I thought about this some more (you make people think! 😀) I suppose it's simply another (sad) symptom of our time. Back in the day, intellects like Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley actively debated each other about important issues. As raucous and unruly as they became (and PBS did a great piece on their debates a few years ago), I can't help feeling they were beneficial, or that a significant problem today is people's unwillingness to engage with ideas that differ from their own. Why are we sending kids to elite private schools if every time they encounter a perspective they don't like they effectively sling the "troll" arrow and say, "Talk to the hand"? I don't see how we're ever going to find viable solutions to important problems if we lock ourselves in echo chambers and refuse engage each other in a dialogue.
Part of me says, yep, couldn't agree more. But the sad aspect is that he has over 40,000 subscribers and the overwhelming majority of people who have commented on his piece have bought into his arguments.
Responding isn't really about you or your daughter. It's about people who can be negatively harmed if they read your piece, then his, and, given your silence, assume his points are valid.
Of course, on a personal level, there's nothing to be gained by engaging. But this isn't really about that, right? It's much bigger. And, without a doubt, you're the most qualified to address his arguments.
But I totally get it. I still wish you would put on your lawyerly cap and demonstrate convincingly why his position lacks merit. But, yeah, I can understand why you prefer to allow him to have the last word (I just wish you wouldn't because there are people who could benefit if you didn't).
Hi Jane, I felt compelled to message you from Australia where I have just finished reading about your journey with Ash. Firstly, thank you for being brave enough to tell your story with such rawness and honesty. I can imagine that could have made you feel very vulnerable.
Secondly, to your daughter Ash. She may not be able to comprehend quite what this article you wrote means in relation to her, but she now has the support, love and understanding from girls just like her across the globe and that people that are wishing for her health and happiness world-wide.
Thirdly, what a strong, loving, kind, capable, determined, educated, warrior you are, Jane. I hope that you are getting the support you need, mentally, emotionally and physically that you need to keep doing what you’re doing for Ash. Lastly, my daughter and I are going through a very similar thing, also. Although you may feel alone or perhaps misunderstood in your journey, I can tell you right now that by telling your story you have created a greater village of support, educated those who lack understanding, and highlighted to many that they are not alone. Thank you so very much for articulating your lives, sharing with us your story and please know if you want a pen pal in Australia, there is one here, ready and waiting.
Thank you so much for reaching out, Kate, and I am so sorry you have traveled this road. You are right that we are not alone. Sending hope and strength your way.
Oh, Jane. Oh, Ash. What a tour de force. I send hugs. So inadequate. But please accept what will be an outpouring of caring and rooting for you all. And keep writing. Please.
Thank you, Shelley! Sending hugs back your way.
Your story of frustration working through the medical maze associated with mental health care is too common, not only in the US but also here in Australia. Both cause and diagnosis are poorly understood. Fifteen years as a community psychiatric nurse covinced me that listening and love are the two essential elements of mental health care. Sometimes medication and protection measures are needed, but these are never a ‘cure’. Medication is useful only as a complement to other measures and protection aggravates the problem if continued long term.
You know your child better than any professional therapist or medical practitioner. Continue to let her experience your love and try to demonstrate to her that in this loveless world that she perceives there are so many hidden gems of selfless and beautiful people. If she has this, you can be confident that your assessment of medical or therapy options is the right one. And you are allowed to change your mind without guilt if your assessment changes.
Congratulations on this piece - you know how beautiful and brave I think it is. And bravo on achieving a long-time publication goal! You are setting a course for your daughters to see & follow.
Thank you, Auntie Kate. You're the best.
Jane, thank you for this article, and congratulations on the achievement! I want to share hopefully a piece of optimism with you: I grew up burdened by similar issues to Ash. I'm 40 now, and my mom and I often talk about how hard it was to get help - she and my Dad were both educators too, and it was all so far out reach. They tried, but as you know the obstacles are incredible. There's a lot of things she and I wish they would have done, and known, but, I hold absolutely none of it against them. Her and my Dad's unconditional love and support was enough for me to arrive at adulthood safely, even if there are mountains of regrets on both sides. We're all still broken, bruised, disappointed, and sometimes think about the missed opportunities and mistakes. But because they love me like they do, I know and trust they did the absolute best they could. I still struggle a lot. But the trust we've developed is a HUGE lifeboat for me, on the *worry water.* It sounds like you are that for Ash, and I'm so happy for her that you are, as much as I wish neither of you found yourself navigating this.
I so wish I could be a friend to Ash. If there's a way to let her know she has a friend on worry island, please do. I wish I could hold a flare for her.
So much love to you both.
Hi Jane, I want to thank you for having the courage to share your journey. I hope it creates more awareness, so we can have a better understanding of these beautiful sensitive children/adult and find support for them in our system.
My sister goes through a similar experience. It started when her daughter was 12 years old (she is 26 years old now).
Hopeful from California
I hope your niece is doing well. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out!
Alpha Stim....for your daughter. Please look into it. I had no hope once, and it gave me my hope back. It seems absurd and like it could never work, and I hardly believed it, but we tried it with one of my children (and then all of them and us!) It has been FDA approved since the 70s for depression and anxiety among many other things. It is not well talked about because there is not much money to be made by any greedy corporation. It may not be a cure, but it sure changed our lives immensely. It is harmless to try on anyone at any age. You need a prescription for the device from a licensed therapist or doctor and most insurance won't cover it. I recognize that you and your ex husband are well equipped, and do not need random advice from strangers, but I feel for you and your family so much in my heart I could not contain this information, just in case you did not already have it. We have navigated special ed and mental health and addiction programs. They are all a joke. Addiction programs are almost all currently owned by hedge funds because the government is sinking their money into it. I also believe when mental illness was the hype and the government was funding those programs theoretically sufficiently, that the wrong people got their hands into that as well. My adult daughter was diagnosed bipolar as an adult, which was obvious when she was just 8 years old though there can be no diagnosis for bipolar at 8, or so we were told. We weren't as fortunate as your family, we live entirely well below the poverty line, however that made it easier for me to be more available. We battled the best we could and I worked only during school hours and she did manage school, but she also did not share her thoughts with anyone there and just quietly got by. My youngest son is an internalist, which no one believes, and we have to battle that on our own. I am his ONLY safe person and he struggles. My middle child can be aggressive and has very severe adhd. Recently he has become "sad". My youngest is my grand daughter who I have custody of due to her mother's issues, and she is a high and low kid. I always cross my fingers these two kids' issues will not develop into worse ones. I am traumatized myself by the system. It is easy to see how it adds problems. I always wonder if helping people has never been the goal
but keeping them coming back. Recently I have discovered that is the idea with the outpatient suboxone program the way that it is run for addicts right now. It has a high long term failure rate if there is no added intensive therapy to address the trauma that got them there in the first place. They refuse to add more than a meeting or two to the program rather than therapy. This means they will always have patients and income. The system is a wreck, it is broken, it is for profit, and I wish I knew how to change it while also struggling forward with 4 children with different neuro spicy needs. Take care.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experience. Sending good thoughts your way...
I wish you would write a response in your substack to Freddie DeBoer's commentary (https://freddiedeboer.substack.com/p/vague-recriminations-cant-fix-american) on your piece on Slate.
Nope! I don't respond to trolls like him. But I am grateful that he's driving traffic to my essay. ;)
I thought about this some more (you make people think! 😀) I suppose it's simply another (sad) symptom of our time. Back in the day, intellects like Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley actively debated each other about important issues. As raucous and unruly as they became (and PBS did a great piece on their debates a few years ago), I can't help feeling they were beneficial, or that a significant problem today is people's unwillingness to engage with ideas that differ from their own. Why are we sending kids to elite private schools if every time they encounter a perspective they don't like they effectively sling the "troll" arrow and say, "Talk to the hand"? I don't see how we're ever going to find viable solutions to important problems if we lock ourselves in echo chambers and refuse engage each other in a dialogue.
Part of me says, yep, couldn't agree more. But the sad aspect is that he has over 40,000 subscribers and the overwhelming majority of people who have commented on his piece have bought into his arguments.
Responding isn't really about you or your daughter. It's about people who can be negatively harmed if they read your piece, then his, and, given your silence, assume his points are valid.
Of course, on a personal level, there's nothing to be gained by engaging. But this isn't really about that, right? It's much bigger. And, without a doubt, you're the most qualified to address his arguments.
But I totally get it. I still wish you would put on your lawyerly cap and demonstrate convincingly why his position lacks merit. But, yeah, I can understand why you prefer to allow him to have the last word (I just wish you wouldn't because there are people who could benefit if you didn't).